i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
