i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Randomize