Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
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