hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
time to smoke my breakfast
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
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