nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
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