You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I want to be your penis for a week.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
