sarcasm needs its own font
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Randomize
