My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
