Yo dont text me then not text me
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
