i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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