My Higher Power is John Stamos
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
