it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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