Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
We just shotgunned beers for America
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
