OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
