Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Sext me about skeletons
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize