life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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