I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
