Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize