There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
