one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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