Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Randomize
