i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I need to align my fucking chakras
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Randomize
