She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
