I bet he comes in French.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
