Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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