I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
