God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
