He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Randomize
