I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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