everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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