I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
