i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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