It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
