girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
