If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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