The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
