I wish my penis had an off switch
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
My bed smells like the plague
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
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