i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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