well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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