my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
