I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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