rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
