Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
tell me about the eggs
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
