I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
