you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
