Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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