Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
