Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
