Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Randomize
