I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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