Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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