at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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