we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
