Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Randomize
