Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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