i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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