apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
