In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
