OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
