before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
