so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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