My liver just broke up with me...
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
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