Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
