I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
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