after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
