we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
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